The Universe is conspiring FOR you not against you…

I have just decided to take the leap and start an admin suppport business from home - supporting other small businesses who only need (or can only afford) part-time help. My vision is to make the world a better place for all of us, sharing my well-rounded international expertise with small businesses, at the same time giving myself variety, financial and mental stimulation. What a win/win situation. So what happens... within 24 hours my computer crashed LOL. Why does it happen so often that as soon as I make a commitment to do something from now on that makes my life ‘better’, it seems like the opposite immediately just got sent my way… Again!!! Really!!!! Why?

(Luckily I believe in a don't get mad, get to the bottom of why this is happening attitude - so I breathe, take a step back and ponder this from a Law of Attraction perspective ;)

Firstly I believe that our lives follow a trajectory (basically we can go through life being on autopilot…) I’ll elaborate…

The simplest way I can explain that is that we all vibrate at a certain frequency:
(We’re all made up of atoms. Atoms are not stationary. We are not stationary. Anything that moves emits waves and makes a sound – even if we can’t consciously hear it - i.e. the tree in the forest LOL ;). The frequency that we vibrate at determines what is attracted into our lives. i.e. if we are consistently vibrating at the higher frequencies of love, peace and gratitude then we will attract those types of experiences into our lives. If we are vibrating at the lower frequencies of jealousy, rage, frustration or bitterness we attract more of the same (pretty much the Law of Attraction).

So if we consistently emit on one frequency range and our life follows patterns it’s almost like we have an internal sonar GPS for our lives. We’re headed in a certain direction according to the frequency programmed in. A plane, for example is only directly on course 3% of the time of the flight, the rest of the time it is readjusting but headed in the right direction. Same thing if you are driving your car and you hit a bump in the road. Your steering wheel is never actually still… A boat heading a certain way will also have to readjust in order to hold the end destination in sight. Hence how you can go through life on autopilot (this can also work for you not just against you).

So if I’ve been emitting who I am at a certain frequency range and I’ve been headed in a certain direction for a while there are a lot of messages that I have previously sent out into the Universe with my old intentions. If I want to change that direction I still have those old intentions that will come and try to readjust my direction back to the way that it was set to go (Imagine that annoying voice on your GPS telling you to take the next exit… autopilot isn’t always the best route) Hence things that will seem unfair / uncalled for / depressing / or that the Universe is NOT supportive of my new direction will come my way to try to knock me back into the old patterns... Actually the Universe will be extremely supportive of new me if I can hold tight on to the new course, it’s just being supportive of the old messages I sent out and supporting the old me in my old direction.

This changing of patterns isn’t always hard, and it doesn’t always have to be (but when it is, it helps me a lot to bear this factor in mind)…

The Walking Wounded

Are we all walking around with wounds and raw etheric skin, afraid to bump into one another for fear of causing pain?

I have two sets of neighbours in the flats (apartments) on either side of me. If I ever have to ask the boys to keep it down after midnight on a week or even a weekend night the response is always 'oh yes sure sorry we didn't notice the time' and they keep it down. However, if I ask the girls - who have boyfriends with booming voices - to take it to another room in their flat that is not so close to my one roomed place they got all persecution complex on me. Same request... Totally different response!

Then there's the grumpy old man who works in the same plaza that I do. I asked him once if he wouldn't mind standing away from the front of the entrance when he smoked so that it didn't blow straight down into the gallery and he nearly flipped his noodle. But on another day when I let a lady know that her smoke was blowing down and would she mind standing away from the entrance she was so kind and apologised for not realising and has been most considerate since then. Again: same question, same approach, totally different response.

We were doing an exercise in a workshop I did recently on the Authentic Self and we were asked to visualise our critics standing in front of us and facing us and we were supposed to just feel whatever came up from that. I had about 6 people in mine (myself included yes LOL). I noticed that in my head I had them lined them up from 'worst' to 'least' critical LOL. The strangest thing I noticed then was that my 'worst' critics were the most wounded ones. They've been hurt in life and are now lashing out in their pain - to the point where I don't want to go anywhere near them!

I've often pondered how to deal with the grumpy old man in the center who now seems to take pleasure in smoking where he knows it blows down into the gallery - at least whenever the security guards are elsewhere on their rounds. I can see he's angry about being pushed further and further away to do something that can be quite frowned upon and shamed nowadays. Perhaps my request for him to smoke where it didn't blow into the gallery felt like rejection to him, and now he gets some sense of vengeance by getting one back on me for having the audacity to ask him to move further away. I just asked him to move about 2 meters away (not even the legal 3m) out of the wind. I didn't yell when I spoke to him, in fact I felt horrible asking as I could palpably feel that I was touching a raw nerve. I empathised with his needs too as I was doing the asking and said I knew it sucked to be constantly asked to move, but that I was going to ask anyway. He not only flat out refused, but he had a good vent at me. I totally understand his frustration on a mental level. I don't accept it though. I believe that his right to smoke ends where my right to breathe clean air begins. I thought I'd caught him on a bad day, but it seems I've created an instant arch-enemy. I can see that in his mind it's fine to do something inconsiderate to me because he sees me as being inconsiderate or critical so I deserve it. The chances are that he's acting from a wound. Someone rejected him, criticised him or pushed him away and he's bitter. No 'well-balanced' or 'healed' person would react the way he did, nor the kids next door to me either. (FYI - note a few months later that both the old man and the noisy neighbours have both moved away).

The Walking Wounded!

I know that I for one have a massive fear of conflict and I will do my absolute best to avoid causing discomfort - as I know how it hurts deeply when it's done to me! However, in my attempts not to cause pain to another, I've often found I create just that and then some... Why? Is it because in my fear for both their and my fragility I am keeping us all small and on a soul level that frustrates all of us? Should I trust that in their wounds they are still fine and capable of being prodded. Was it my hesitance in approaching people and expecting to wake the hungry bear from hibernation that created the situation going down the way that it did. 

Is some people's anger/wounding so palpable that I instinctively knew when I was approaching them that this would burn me worse. Did my fear of rejection trigger theirs? 
Yet I still tried, so maybe I don't completely believe that they actually are 'breakable' and I haven't given up hope on the human spirit!

If only we were taught in school that if someone does something that upsets us: that it is a brilliant marker for an area in our life where we were not healed in yet!!! The appropriate reaction is to then go and look at what the wound is, not to react with anger and lash out in vengeance (Yes admittedly that's rich coming from me who - today - literally chased a homeless guy down the street for an absolutely revolting thing that he said to me!!! It would appear I'm not quite as zen yet as I'd like to be...)

I understand (mentally) the concept of polarity and that in a Universe where it exists if I am creating from the mind (which has two distinctly different hemispheres) rather than from the heart (which operates as a whole) then I will create as much of what I don't want as what I do... so I know I co-created this 'mess' with my neighbours at home and at work by being afraid of conflict happening in the first place.

I also understand (mentally) the concept that the world is my mirror and they are holding up a clear mirror that is showing me somewhere that I too am not healed within. The answer is always supposedly within, but I don't live in a cave in the mountains meditating 20 hours a day. I live in a bustling city. I can approach the problems from both directions. I haven't decided yet how. I have had to ask for some help with both conflicts for now. It's a process because life is a process. In the meantime I send them all some healing thoughts. 

Here's to healing the wounds with compassion and grace as the salve.

Getting Comfortable with being Uncomfortable

The Universe is in constant motion. We're in constant motion. Atoms are in constant motion. Nothing sits still.

So if we're changing constantly and so is our environment, then of course it makes sense that at some point or other we'll feel the need to move in order to expand further. In the same manner that you(r parents) have to buy/make new clothes and shoes as you're growing. Nobody can fit into their old baby shoes. They're not supposed to!

I've found that this is the same for me with my spiritual and emotional growth. When I started on my spiritual path I used to run and hide when the Universe whispered into my ear that it was time to expand or go to the next step. My skin would crawl and my body would ache. The fear of the unknown or the pain of change (or worse... of failure!!!) was so great that change would often require me to go into Braxton Hicks or get a kick in the pants from life to get me to move out of my uncomfortable (yet vaguely bearable and apparently safer) spot.

For a while now I've been feeling the discomfort of needing a change. It feels horrible and my first instinct is to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnn, but I'm really trying to create from a new place of gentle motion (as opposed to toppling the entire house of cards and burning bridges so that I can absolutely not turn back). It's frustrating & uncomfortable. I often feel so impatient that I could burst, but I do believe that if I create the change from within first then I'll attract the right situation TO me, rather than having to force it to happen. Forceful/unconscious change often puts me in a situation that isn't much better than the previous one and then once again I stick there for a while determined to try to make that one work... I've repeated that pattern long enough. Was it Einstein that said that the definition of madness is doing the same thing hoping for a different result?

The first fear that always springs to mind about changing anything in my external environment is that you take yourself with you wherever you go. True, so what's the point about changing external stuff? And what is my reason for wanting change and intention for the new stuff I want in my life: Am I just running away? Am I thinking that the grass is always greener... Am I going to create more of the same when I get to the greener grass? (There's usually a huge process of self-talk internally that goes on as I go within to see what space I am acting from...)

Honestly - if I really have to think about it - I actually adapt really quickly to my new environments and then almost always wonder what took me so long to make the jump...

This time I'd like to use the Law of Attraction and visualise myself fulfilled as well this time rather than acting from a feeling of unfulfillment and lack. It can't hurt to try. The other changes have created minor improvements, my life is definitely in forward motion, but this time I envision deep fulfillment!

There is a flow in nature. Sure sometimes a brand new island gets created overnight when a volcano erupts, but that isn't the only way to create or expand my world.

I've spent my life trying to fit myself in where I thought I 'should' fit in:
'You're smart so you should get a college degree'.
and heaven forbid I be a 'starving artist'.

Now I'm taking back the reigns and turning into the creator of my own journey I consciously look for what fits ME - not the other way around!
No small task as this time I'm putting serious effort into doing it differently, which goes against all my patterns (and sitting in this discomfort goes against a lot of my instincts), but suddenly I'm finding comfort within the discomfort. It's not like I'm not acknowledging the discomfort or the message that the discomfort sends me - on the contrary, I'm deeply hearing it all the way to the core of my being - I'm just not re-acting hastily this time or acting from fear or wound. This time I'm choosing to remain the creator and acting from a centered place within the chaos. It's like standing the eye of the hurricane...

(Yes it's still scary as sh*t, but worth the effort as something inside feels that this is a far more fulfilling and joyful way to live... ;)

Why (single) aunts (or uncles) should babysit their sibling's kids

Because little children are magic!!!! Their laughter is so pure. Even their crying is so real and honest!

They don't hide what they feel or censor their opinions! They speak their truth. They don't censor their words for fear of offending someone. Children also see right through stuff and call you on your bullsh*t! It's very refreshing!

They really bring you into the present. You have to be right there for them: paying attention and listening. You need to have eyes in the back of your head while they run around and play, so they help you expand your awareness.

Because you have to put their needs first regularly. They teach you selflessness.

When children ask questions they help you define who you are. I have to figure out very clearly who I am and what I myself believe in when they ask me questions. They don't just hear my words, they feel my honesty, as well as how much I believe in what I'm saying. They'll call me on it if I'm not 100% behind whatever I say. I also find I have to choose my words consciously, as what I say to them could affect their entire lives by shaping their way of thinking! Chances are most of us have scars from our childhood from comments made by people in our lives who were acting from a wounded place of pain and had no idea the impact their unconscious words would make.


Children forgive so much faster than we do. They don't let things weigh them down, they just move on to the next thing and back to having fun again. You also learn to be intuitive around them. Sometimes they don't have the words for what is wrong (or right either) they can express so much with a smile, a laugh or a look.

Children remind you to be patient. They'll make you play, stop and smell the flowers, they help you to accept life as it is and not resist so much. My To Do list gets put totally on hold when I'm with them and I really appreciate that luxury!

They notice everything and absolutely everything can be turned into a game for them. What an awesome way to live!! My inner child gets to play along with theirs. Spending time in play with my niece and nephew reminded me of what delights me!!!! We get artsy, creative and have fun.

You have NO idea how big your heart is until you've loved a child - especially one that is practically your own flesh and blood too!!!! Seriously. I can't imagine my life without these two little angels in it! I had no idea how much love I had inside of me until they showed me where it was. And I know that, if called upon, there is WAY more inside!

A few years ago I had to move in with my brother and his family for a few months for financial reasons, then when I moved out we started off with family dinners once a week on a Tuesday, then we decided it was too hard to get the kids to sleep on a school night so let's move our dinners to Fridays. As a valentine's gift to my brother and his wife one year I sent them off out for dinner and a movie while the kids and I stayed in with movies and pizza. Then I asked if I could have the kids for an afternoon a week so I started to pick up my niece from school on Friday afternoons as her school is a few blocks from me. Now we do sleepovers and I can't wait to spend time with them every week.

It's so good for everyone. My brother and his wife are both doctors and they work long hours, so it gives them time to go on dates too or just chill out when they get home. Once a week on a Friday evening we do a family dinner. (I'd like to think) it helps them when I'm pitching in. It must be so hard to be parenting 24/7, so an extra pair of hands so you can step back and just breathe (and for someone else to be the 'bad guy' so it's not always you, or just extra adult to add back up adds to the adult's support system ;). These two kids know they are so very very loved with so many of us around willing to give them our time, our attention and our hugs and kisses. They are not spoiled brats, but rather quite grounded with the knowledge that they are loved and loveable. It is not even a question to them.

My life is so much richer because of them in my life. When I'm around them I strive to be the best me that I can, to lead by example from my heart. Thus they stretch me to go further and be bigger and better!!!!

xxxxx

A Waste of Time?

Yesterday I spent around 5 hours on the line to Telkom's helpdesk trying to sort out my broken internet connection. That doesn't include a trip to the store to switch routers and I still have to call back on Monday to speak to the accounts department (who don't work on weekends), but at least we now know where the fault lies.

A year ago I would have felt very differently about those 5 hours. I would have viewed them as time wasted and time that I will never get back. Nowadays I view spending time doing mundane tasks as spiritual practice.

If I looked at the usefulness of my time as having to accomplish something, sure it can be seen as a waste, but if I look at the quality of my time rather as how am I BEing in those moments that are difficult, despite what I am DOing, then it's a whole different story! (I think that's what they mean when they say we are human beings not human doings!) Am I being present, am I feeling, what am I feeling, how do I feel physically?
How do I react when I get angry: Do I supress it? Do I judge myself as bad for being angry?

I won't say I spent all 5 of those hours being totally zen. I was pretty cool til about 3 hours in when I got cut off and had to call back. I swore very loudly and gave a grumpy woman a hard time when she made me repeat all the steps I'd already gone through. When she rather ungraciously offered me the option to hang up and call back on Monday I declined and MADE her go thorough all the steps again with me! She wasn't so gracious either when I apologised for giving her a hard time, but she's welcome to be like that if she so chooses. Perhaps she sent me to the store to get my modem tested as punishment (knowing full well they'd tell me initially that they couldn't do it), but thanks to my persistance and her need to prove me wrong, I now have the brand spanking new upgraded modem, so she can keep her attitude and I'll keep the new modem LOL. 

I did spend more than a few hours on that call seeing what I could be grateful for: i.e. I'm extremely grateful for a cordless speakerphone. No crick in my neck. My time wasn't totally 'unproductive': I managed to fold a load of laundry, do another, make some lunch and worked out the recipe for my first attempt at homemade antiperspirant which has turned out to be simply fantastic.

Apart from that one lady, every other person I spoke to during those calls I had quite pleasant interchanges with. I have been searching for deeper meaning and purpose in my life and one of the most basic things I've discovered in my raison-d-etre is that I wish to spread love, happiness and joy to those with whom I come in contact. (Well those that I feel deserve it anyway - idiot drivers are definitely excluded, I wish they'd all poof into their own alternate universe and go p!$$ each other off. There are rather a lot of ignoranuses out there on the roads!). I got to laugh and share some kind words and positivity with most of the people I interacted with - and there were quite a few people I interacted with on that call. 

I'm not sure when the switch in attitude happened, but it took those 5 hours for me to notice it ;)

13 things I've found to work for my health and nutrition

2 DISCLAIMERS: Firstly: I'm neither a Doctor nor a Nutritionalist, but I am an eater and a 'digester' ;) I have, however, spoken to many of them and these are the tips I've got from them as well as gleaned from the internet and I practice these tips myself.

Secondly: I think it takes all kinds to make a world and each one of us is magnificently unique and therefore different to others. There are some general rules but "what is food for the goose may be poison for the gander" so what works for me may not work for you. I've spent years of trial and error exploring and these are my tips for exploration. I'd just like to share what works for me and some awesome links I've found that furthered my understanding. Please feel free to Google things for yourself and figure out what works for you ;).


For many years I suffered from IBS, which has now completely gone. I also smoked and drank for about 23 years (most of those years doing both heavily!), which I no longer do. The upside to that was that I knew I was putting my system under strain and I needed to clear my body of those toxins, so I resolved to eat as healthily as possible to make up for that - I bought food as close to it's original state, with as few preservatives, as possible - so I mostly made my own meals from scratch. That way I'd know what went into it, as opposed to buying prepackaged meals and not understanding what half of the additives were on the labels. I also get food triggered migraines so I have to be incredibly careful about what I eat. Simple things like custard or cheese flavoured chips can knock me flat out for days on end.

1. If you only take one supplement, make it probiotics. (this was told to me by a Doctor who specialises in nutrition). I took it to heart and found me a lovely liquid probiotic that I try to take daily.

2. Eat as alkaline a diet as possible: Despite being vegetarian and sprouting my own beans (which I then consume raw) I still find I'm slightly acidic because of an extreme aversion to exercise. About a month ago I decided to boost my alkalinity with half a teaspoon of Epsom Salts (magnesium laden to help prevent migraines) and half a teaspoon of Baking Soda (NOT Baking Powder, which may contain aluminium and is more acidic). I feel better than I have in ages, less stiff and my digestive system is less sluggish. In fact, since I've started doing this the weight that I gained by moving my addiction from cigarettes to chocolate is now finally budging!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgBql4N9xGs

3. Cut out as much sugary junk as possible. (that doesn't mean go for the sweetener option). Try to get your sugar from fruit. Watch "Sugar, The Bitter Truth". They explain it better than I could. You do need an hour and a half to watch it, but in the grand scheme of things this is a fantastic hour and a half well worth spending doing this! So I cut out a lot of unrefined sugar, but  I'm still working on this one

4. Omega 3's 6's and 9's. Chia seeds and Acai Berry are my friends. With an eating disorder at a young age and an preferrance for low fat food, I also starved my body of all the good Omegas. Lack of these internal lubricants left me stiff and sent me running for fat laden snacks out of desperation. My body knows what it wants and sends massive craving signals, that's a good thing though - i.e. I know when I'm low on iron because I'll crave things like spinach or broccoli, so ultimately it's an extremely handy thing. I now listen to my cravings a lot more consciously than I used to - i.e. craving for chocolate is probably magnesium and, rather than reaching for the soya lecithin laden bar of hydrogenated stuff I can eat Raw Cacao or take a magnesium supplement. Same as if I'm craving fat I'll try chia seeds first. Again if you watch  "Sugar, The Bitter Truth" they explain how fat digestion triggers the full response and sugar doesn't. I'm no longer constantly snacking like I used to!

5. Drink loads of water, preferrably find your nearest spring if you can or else boil all water once before you drink it. Every night I boil a full kettle before I go to sleep and I leave the lid off so that the chlorine can evaporate. I then fill up my water bottle for the day (I don't believe in buying bottled water and adding to the plastic problem in the environment). Make sure your bottle is Number 2 plastic (I can't remember why, I'll find out again LOL). Spring water is better if you get it. It is more alive that way (refer the movie Water).

6. Use soap and beauty products that you could eat. Your skin is your biggest organ and absorbs loads of nasties into it from beauty products. What's the point of eating all this healthy goodness, exercising and then slathering on products to be absorbed into your system that are not good for you. In South Africa we have Faithful-to-Nature. If you live overseas Google is your friend LOL. I started with with things you do daily like a flouride-free toothpaste and paraben free face cream. Now I make my own homemade deodorant and I can feel the difference.


7. Learn how to make your own household cleaning products. I have terrible allergies to shop bought household cleaning products and have learned to make my own. Perhaps I'll do another blog on them but there is a ton of information out there on what to use. Main ingredients are vinegar, lemons, borax and baking soda. Cheap, healthy and will make a MASSIVE difference to your life if you suffer with allergies like I do.

8. Do some type of detox once every six months. (Once again speak to your doctor before you do anything - I'm just sharing what works for me). 
There are too many different ways to detox to mention and I'm no specialist so I'm not going to go there. Plus there are two types of ways to detox: The push detox, which is when you eat loads of antioxidants/minerals, which stimulate your body to health and your cells get moving on getting healthier and do a cellular springclean, and the pull detox, which is when you actively take products to help you chelate nasties and shift them out of your system. You should most certainly be helping your liver flush the toxins rather than having to put them back into storage again for the next spring.
I do a Gall Bladder Cleanse annually and I love it. It really helps boost my system and 'un-sluggish' me. I did a Parasite Cleanse and it was unbelievably hard, but totally worth it. Yes, our bodies are detoxing all the time. We live in cities, breathe exhaust fumes in traffic, our bodies take in Oxygen and put out Carbon Dioxide etc etc etc. For me, after abusing my body for years, I just find it is just good to help my system along once in a while. (i.e. You can run barefoot or with takkies/trainers/sneakers on - which would you prefer?). 
We should service our bodies way more regularly than our cars. I also take Zeolite and liver support to boost my system while I detox.

9. Superfoods. What a win!!!! Things like this: Baobab powder has more calcium than milk. Awesome!!!! I am lactose intolerant and, while I refuse to give up my cheese or yoghurt totally, I have now found that as a vegetarian nowadays I have so many options for nutritional input available to me than I did when I was younger and trying to be a vegetarian then. I ended up being pescatarian then, with the occasional steak craving every 6 months or so, now you can get so many vegetable proteins it's awesome!!!!! I started off trying each one out and now I've built up a stock in my kitchen - every month I buy one superfood bulk so I'm always stocked up and it's not a 6 monthly whack to the wallet.

10. Try eat more raw and at least try to get organic water-based foods - i.e. those foodstuffs that will really soak in the pesticides and do more harm than good eating. I sprout my beans and add them to my soups or stews after cooking those. I have a serving of fruit and salad daily. I can't stand the taste of cucumber, but it is a superfood too. There are ways to eat foods that are good for you that you don't like the taste of. I now cut up my cucumber and make the salad the night before, so that the apple cider vinegar has soaked into it properly and gives it a more tangy taste as opposed to the slimy taste I hated! Eating raw is not something you jump into overnight as your digestive system needs to adapt, as does your kitchen. Raw nuts are fabulous sources of protein and other goodies, as opposed to cooked nuts have destroyed a lot of the goodness with the heat and hydrogenated the fat. Raw food has more bio-available enzymes and minerals. I eat half-cooked & half-raw and I love it. Some food is better for you cooked like tomatoes (NOT canned!!!!!)

11. Apple Cider Vinegar. Awesome for system alkalinity, preventing heartburn and getting rid of warts!!! Magic stuff. Do be careful to water it down if you drink it for heartburn or clean teeth after use to prevent it damaging your teeth enamel.

12. Non-irradiated herbs and spices. Ok so I do own and use a microwave on occasion (always wait 2 minutes after you've taken the item out of the microwave before consuming it otherwise you're putting radiating products into your body), but the wonders of non-nuked herbs and spices is phenomenal. (Also I just read somewhere that if you add black pepper to tumeric you exponentially increase it's 'absorbability' - is that a word? ;) Also things like Dulse and Oryx Salt that haven't been messed around with have vast bio-available minerals in them to remineralise your body! Loving it!!!

13. If you hate to exercise AT LEAST try to stretch 5 mins in the morning and 5 mins in the evening. At LEAST do that to stimulate flow in your lymphatic system. Your lymphatic system is not attached to your heart like your blood system and needs your movement to boost it. (Note how I've left this right until the end LOL ;)

PS: If you are considering being vegetarian but aren't sure how to get your proteins consider that Brad Pitt is vegan and get a load of him!!! He stopped eating meat after watching the movie "Forks Over Knives". Not preaching here, just sharing that I love the fact that nothing has to die in order for me to live. The food I eat is generally still alive and I know that I am what I eat and I absolutely love eating the way I do. I feel better now in my fortieth year than I did at 30.


PPS: I see I've left off meditation. We are mind, body and soul and all three need to be nurtured and kept in balance. Stress manifests itself physically, so meditating, grounding and centering help me physically JUST as much as awesome nutrition - if not more...

PPPS: FLOSS!!! 


Some more links to informative videos you might want to watch:
One Answer to Cancer

Before Enlightenment Chop Wood, After Enlightenment Chop Wood

Crikey I'm not saying here that I am enlightened LOL.

I was just chatting to a friend who was reminding me of how I busy myself with tasks and she asked me who would I be once it was all done. I'll still have to ponder her question but it did get me to notice how much I've changed in one area of my life.

I totally used to use my to do list as a lot more of an avoidance technique before (Dr Phil calls it destination addiction - "When I complete/achieve/purchase this I'll be happy").

One example is: I used to hate cooking for myself. It seemed to take so long and require so much effort, until I began using it as a spiritual practice, reminding myself that I was worth the effort, thanking the food for growing to nurture me and showing gratitude to my body for housing me (cellulite and all ;). I also use it as practice for being present and in the moment, clearing my mind of the long grocery list of my life and just focussing on the now. This task has now become such a pleasure and such prized relaxing time!

Slowly but surely now my life feels less and less like one big To Do list. I'm turning back into a human BEing from a human DOing. Tasks become meditation. Life becomes the journey, not the destination.

So much has changed and yet nothing has changed...

Being Right

The more spiritual work I do the less I find I need to be 'right', agreed with and approved of. Of course I want to do the 'right' thing and I hope I'm on the 'right' path, but the need for others around me to support my choices and agree with me diminishes as my inner knowing grows. Gently.

When I started walking a new spiritual path I was ridiculed and humiliated pretty loudly! It was unbelievably painful not to be supported or accepted for who I was and what I believed in. And it was so hard not to yell out or lash back at people for being so ignorant and disrespectful of my divine right to choose the path I felt was best for me, whether or not they agreed with it or understood it.

What helps me bite my tongue though is the knowledge that it would probably be rich coming from me... I used to have an incessant need to be right (still do - I just understand it better now). For the most part, I am a generous person, open minded, compassionate, kind and accepting and I can generally agree to disagree respectfully. Just don't tell me flat out that I'm wrong. That would get my back right up!!

I know where a lot of it comes from. The way most of us we were brought up was with shaming and guilt trips. (There's a reason they say you have things drummed into you ;) I watch kids being kids - they act out when they are tired, testing boundaries etc etc etc. It's totally normal, but more often than not it's all lumped in to one 'bad' box and labelled naughty. Our parents did it, our teachers did it, their parents did it, their teachers did it - ad nauseum. There was positive and negative reinforcement and the intention was to guide and mold us. It was supposedly "being cruel to be kind". Being naughty or wrong was met with disapproval, criticism, anger or punishment. It meant pain, embarrassment, shame and/or rejection! Ouch! (All the nasty stuff) :( Never mind the wrath of God: if you sinned and got that stuff wrong then you were going to hell. So to be wrong was to be avoided at all costs! Being right meant you were 'safe'.

However, in practice life doesn't seem to work that way. No matter how hard you try things still go wrong out of 'nowhere'. Having to be constantly right (or know it all) is like the full cup that has no room for more, so I've found that the practice of making room to potentially find myself in the wrong is crucial to my spiritual development. The process of building new belief systems includes facing the fact that lots of the old beliefs were 'wrong' (maybe 'outdated' is a little easier to handle sometimes). The hardest part of this journey is to allow the 'old me' to have been wrong... harder still is to allow the 'new me' to do things that may end up being wrong - and possibly even fail - is traumatisingly scary. And devastating when that failure occurs. It's not like I've never failed before, and I know without a doubt that I can pick up the pieces, it's just hard to live life without all my cushions.

So to all those who were only trying to help, share or advise and I was prickly back to them I apologise for when I acted unkindly out of pain and fear... To those I may unconsciously do that to again - I promise to do my best!!! Thank you for your patience and support. I am where I am because of your compassion and support despite my best efforts to block your goodness from melting my guarded heart.

To anyone who is the recipient of another person's prickliness: my gran gave my mother the best advice ever when I was a teenager... "Just LOVE her!!!". So many people walk around feeling not good enough after being given the 'cruel-to-be-kind' treatment (myself included). It hurts to be constantly criticised, teased (kids are mean and a part of me is still recovering from boarding school), or shamed into submission.

I will always remember how I quit smoking. It didn't matter who said what about how unhealthy it was (I think I had a bit of a self destructive streak anyway, so that wasn't convincing enough) The nasty pictures on the boxes certainly didn't stop me from buying cigarettes in Canada. It was only when I was ready to do it for myself that I did it, and the people that I turned to were not the ones that were most vocally critical of my bad habit, but rather those who loved me for me anyway and believed I could do it, didn't push, but let me know they were there for me whenever I was ready! I truly hope I can be the same for others!!!

Oddly enough those around me's resistance to my 'weird' path diminishes as my self confidence and self honouring grows. Funny thing that...

The Bittersweet Taste of Failure

So I failed my motorbike license again. 2nd time unlucky. The worst part is that this time there was really no reason to fail. I can do this! It was just sheer nerves! I flubbed the first exercise of the test and went over the line right at the beginning. I really didn't see that one coming!!! I thought I had it under the belt this time and that this time around I did actually believe I deserved it. On the surface I think that is true, but clearly subconsciously something is happening that threw a lovely little spanner in the works today.

Maybe this is the Universe giving me the opportunity to experience failure on something that is easier to handle, to remind me that I can actually live through failure and to show me that I can risk failure in other areas and live too. 'Miss Adventurer' me has been scared of trying risky things lately. I've spent a few years picking up the pieces after I let my life spiral hectically out of control and I had to really bring things back. I've done the work, put in the time, knuckled down and been serious for a few years now and, in doing so, I drained a portion of the joy of life out of it. (This is why I was doing the whole learning to ride a motorbike thing. It was supposed to be about gaining back my sense of adventure after a self-imposed exile while working on ME). Now it's become another exercise in accepting myself as human, loving myself despite a big flaw, picking up and trying again. I am seriously tired of viewing myself as broken and needing working on and that view got me quite depressed and reluctant to do anything that would reinforce the belief of myself not being good enough. So I backed off from 'life' a bit and took the time to work on me (not that I'd change it and it was totally worth doing, but it was also a good excuse to hide behind).

My association with fun tended to go hand in hand with drinking and I've had to learn a whole new way to have fun. This was one of my new fun things so what the hell is going on subconsciously that is sabotaging my fun? Do I believe I don't deserve to have fun or that I haven't earned enough points (carrots)?

Or maybe it's a need to allow myself to let go of the super-positive attitude for a bit, ride the downward wave too, have a good old fashioned cry, release some tension and know that the merry-go-round of life will be there waiting for me when I'm ready to get back on!

I'm not giving up, but I'm quite gutted so I'm going to wallow for just a bit... (actually for as long as it damnwell takes!).

So please don't try to cheer me up just yet. I'd like to wallow for a while. It's far healthier and more honouring to allow myself to feel the disappointment rather than deny or supress it so I'm going to give myself that courtesy. THEN and only then will I get up and try again... When I'm good and freaking ready!

What I've learned from my critics

(and it isn't to ignore them... not without consideration anyway, tempting as it is ;)

Of course you need to trust yourself to know what is best for you ultimately, but it's also good to get the perspective of others - whether I want to hear it or not. Use it, don't use it, but I try to listen. I do that because we all have our blind spots and if something presses a button within me it means there's something there for me to look at.

It is pretty painful when a detractor jumps upon my weaknesses/failings (even if it's just that they perceive me that way through their filters). Especially when they are 'family' and I can't avoid one particularly vocal critic if I want to be around the rest of my family and share special occasions!

The irony is that it comes from a space of wanting the best for me. It's been almost surreal watching people that care for me be so critical of what I think is a forward move for me, a risky one sure, but I definitely believe it's progress. They are afraid for me and think the path would be too hard and they are trying to block my way as they are trying to save me from pain (yes they can't see the irony, they think the pain they are saving me from would be greater than the pain of not being supported by loved ones). The way they've learned to keep people in line is the way they've been kept in line: criticism, chiding, shaming and punishment. Our parents did it to us and it was done to them.

A part of me knows that they do that with the best of intentions, I can feel the love in the action, that they genuinely believe they know what is best for me, so they try to cajole me into doing things the way THEY think I should... (It's like they are being cruel to be kind). I DO get it! Totally actually! I think I know that one so well because I've done it myself in the past - both to myself and to others!

The thing is you need to BE the change you want to see, so if you want people to accept you for who you are - warts and all - you have to offer them the same courtesy! That is a seriously tough one!
When I quit drinking you'd have thought that people would be happy for me to be turning my life around. Quite the opposite actually. They suddenly thought I was going to go judgemental on them, look down my nose at them or bible bash them with my teetotal 'bible'. That wasn't the plan, but truthfully I maybe I could have done that. The fact is I'm so happy being free of my nicotine and alcohol addictions I am not afraid to share that with others, but those who want to stay where they are don't want me to succeed or it proves they can too and THAT makes them really uncomfortable. It can seem like me being on my high horse thinking I'm now better than them because I've thrown away a crutch and I may look at their social habits as bad for them. Truth is I want what's best for them too for sure, but I learned this through the years it took me to quit smoking. NOBODY can tell you when it's time for you to stop smoking. You've got to do it for youself and it's only when you are ready. (I'm sure there are others who used a partner or child as incentive, but it has to be added to boost their will to do it for themself).

Sometimes their criticism comes from their own wounds and it's their issue and it's my test to how much I have healed and now believe in myself whether I let their opinions get to me or not.

Generally I find they are my mirror. The more comfortable I become with myself the more comfortable my critics become with who I am being. If my world outside of me reflects who I am inside then I can hear my critics and look for where I do that to myself - I always find it. They are my clues to where I need healing. I thank them. Sometimes I need to stay away from them coz I'm not ready to hear it but when I am I remember to be objective and that everybody hs their own stuff and that is where THEY are coming from, but if I listen to everything that the Universe sends me their is something in EVERYTHING. Even criticism. Even if it's just to show me where I haven't yet healed.

If I wasn't still on a journey I wouldn't be in a human body anymore ;)

The Cat's Pyjamas

They say that “If there is enough blue in the sky to make a cat a pair of pajamas it won’t rain’’. I remember hearing the folktale as a child and while I thought it was sweet, I thought nothing more of it than it being a tale. NOW I can see how deep and magnificent an allegory it is... I'll explain:

(FYI If you don't know the story go to this page and search for Cat's Trousers: http://www.gutenberg.ca/ebooks/fyleman-forty/fyleman-forty-00-t.txt It's not far down the page)

I've been thinking a lot about the Law of Attraction since I first saw "The Secret" but I've found that pure willpower simply isn't enough to get through 'bad' times, over 'bad' moods or remove 'bad' habits (These things are only deemed 'bad' if you view them as hinderances to progress). But how the hell are you supposed to "Keep Calm and Carry On" when everything around you looks like it's falling to pieces? When I started my seeker's journey I was practically at the end of my tether. I was utterly miserable, lonely, fat and unhealthy... and on a slow self-destruct mission: slowly drinking & smoking myself into an early grave. Partying it up every night to cover my desperation and disappointment with life and who I was turning out to be. For me I had to hit that brick wall at full speed (or a lamppost in my case ;) and shock myself into choosing to turn my life around and actively seek happiness. It's been a long journey, but a totally worthwhile one! Oh and I'm still on it by the way LOL.

I definitely don't believe we have to be 'up' and 'perky' all the time - in fact that ideal makes more of us miserable if we compare how we generally feel to the grinning picture of positivity we're being told we should* be aiming to be feeling most of the time (*'should' being the operative word here - 'could' would be more fair but should just puts unnecessary pressure on us). Although I totally believe it IS entirely possible to be mostly positive, I just don't believe that grinning positivity 100% is the goal to aim for. Now this idea of having a stiff upper lip is just pure nonsense. Worst belief system ever! Yuk! (FYI that doesn't mean I think we're meant to be miserable either, I just feel that Life is ebb and flow and you can be positive about the future and still have a great releasing cry at the same time). Nowadays I just find bad moods are less about me being depressed and more about me needing to become aware that there's a belief system or a wound I need to look at...

Basically we're spiritual beings having a human experience. We come to this world specifically to experience and work with polarity. A bicycle pedal needs the downward push as well as the upward return in order to propel the bicycle forward. Neither movement is 'better' than the other and one can't exist without the other. I definitely believe it's possible to be positive and have faith despite outward appearances and the way we do this is not by burying our heads and waiting for the storm to pass. It's by finding enough positivity between the clouds to bring back the blue sky :) and that is the constant process.

Besides, with no rain comes drought, so on the days when there isn't enough blue sky to make a cat a pair of pyjamas there's always hot chocolate, duvets and dvd's. Phone a friend, read a book, let go and do those things you feel you don't have time for when the sun's out. Plus there's nothing wrong with a good cry either and a little indulgence once in a while - it clears the cobwebs out ;)

It's all part of the journey. Life is a process. We don't just get summer all year round. We're not supposed to, but there is beauty to be found in each season. 

Olympians aren't made overnight. It takes years of dedication, love, bruises, fun and teamwork to get there. Positivity is a muscle that requires constant training until it gets 'muscle memory' 

;)

Why I love Facebook

After you've travelled the world for more than 10 years like me there will always be someone you are missing. Even if you haven't travelled, your friends/family may have moved or gone overseas. Thanks to Facebook we don't have to wait to get the Christmas letter to see what everyone's been up to for an entire year. I know loads of people think it's a time waster and I admit to occasionally being less conscious about my time spent on it than I probably should be, but I also feel like it is time well spent and it has a positive influence on my life more often than not.

I've subscribed to so many wonderful positive pages and I absolutely love to share the stuff I've found. The feedback and comments and seeing others sharing my posts is really heartwarming. Sure I've had a few people dislike some of the stuff I post (I'm pro gay marriage and that tweaks some conservatives). My dad was a minister so I have a lot of religious friends that are great friends even though I no longer go to church. I study the Tao, meditate and am more spiritually inclined than religious. Despite that potentially being a contentious point I have to say how grateful I am that basically none of those friends ever judged me (openly anyway), rejected me or treated me differently! One person could no longer take it and unfriended me (or de-faced me as Jennifer says LOL) and I have no hard feelings. They weren't that close to me anyway and I believe if you don't like the channel then change it, so I wish them nothing but happiness and that one day they may see a more unconditional love :)

Anyway I digress. As I was saying I find it such a wonderfully positive playground and I've been very conscious about setting it up that way. It is so great to see what people that I care about are up to on the other side of the world in real time. I find it hugely connecting and you are more able to keep up with more people as they post their little adventures. When I am the poster and sharing my latest adventure I get to see what I am doing AS an adventure. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone truly felt that their life WAS an adventure?

I've also made a point of being honest and I'm sharing when I am struggling as well as when I am feeling inspired. Everyone wants to put their best side forward in life, but I'd like to be real too. I will admit that my facebook profile photo is not that recent anymore, but there are recent photos of me on my profile. I don't like them as much, but I haven't untagged myself (I was definitely tempted). I think the reason I love taking photos of others is that practically nobody gets a decent photo of me!

I've had to build up courage to post stuff not all my friends may like/approve of/agree with in baby steps. Of course it is so much easier on the internet rather than standing at the front of a hall full of people directly in front of me. Yes there ARE those out there who whinge and wallow, but that is life (...and who hasn't been there?) and generally it passes for them. I love how supportive your friends can be when you admit to having a harder time than usual and that I can be there for those who share with me that they need a shoulder - albeit an electronic one! This whole stiff upper lip idea is transforming into a more open, real and honest society where it is far more important to try and fail than never try at all.

I've made new friends and met new people online who share similar interests and theories and my world has expanded. I've seen places I may not have found by myself and my bucket list is expanding. Plus you get to subscribe to and follow all the phenomenally inspirational people like Dr Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Drunvalo Melchizedek and Dr Jeff Mullan. And who knew George Takei was so freaking funny!!!????

So I have found a way that Facebook really works for me! Sure I can get lost and it can be a time waster, so can traffic (real not internet heh heh heh) and going to the shops!!! Anything in life is a tool and can work FOR you not against you, you just have to find a way that works for you. It is totally possible  - if you'd like to :) It takes all kinds to make a world and "to each their own" so those who do not find it works for them that's also really cool!!! :D

...as for Twitter I simply have not yet found a way to make it work for me! Facebook automatically sends my posts to Twitter and that's nice.

Every Little Bit Counts!

One of the managers at the restaurant next door to my work gave me a 20% discount card. Yay!

I have to get out of the gallery when the cleaner comes and sprays Windolene everywhere because I'm massively allergic to it... So I go sit in their restaurant and then I feel it's only fair to at least order coffee while I am taking up the table.

I have a thing about paying R15 for coffee when I can easily make it for free in the gallery, but I consider this my weekly treat and, with the 20% discount, R12 seems more reasonable. I usually give the waiter the extra money anyway. (I've waitressed before and running around giving people coffee for a R1 tip used to be really annoying, especially when they usually spilled something and I had to change all the settings and tablecloths. It's a lot of effort for R1. I generally like to give a bit more than 10% anyway - even more so on lower bills! :)

This way I feel like we all got a good deal. I really felt good about recommending their restaurant when customers came in asking me what was good around here...

That was until the other manager made a sarky comment the other day when I went to pay the bill. He basically sneered "Why are you being so cheap?"... :( Sure he was probably just joking. He's got a pretty sarcastic sense of humour, but it made me feel really icky and then sad. Why give me the card if you're going to be nasty when I use it? Ummmm: besides... isn't criticising me for being cheap over R3 showing that you are cheap???

That little discount made me feel like I'd got value for money, I felt 'treated' and it made me want to share my 'windfall', hopefully it also made the waiter feel appreciated as well as their hard work rewarded and hopefully they will pay it forward to someone else too...

So I've decided to ignore and forgive his short sightedness, keep doing what I'm doing and find another manager when it comes time to pay the bill. Their food is still good so I'll still send people there. I won't let his issues block/change my generous nature.

But Managers: don't knock someone's R3 discount... A little goes a loooong way!!!