The Bittersweet Taste of Failure

So I failed my motorbike license again. 2nd time unlucky. The worst part is that this time there was really no reason to fail. I can do this! It was just sheer nerves! I flubbed the first exercise of the test and went over the line right at the beginning. I really didn't see that one coming!!! I thought I had it under the belt this time and that this time around I did actually believe I deserved it. On the surface I think that is true, but clearly subconsciously something is happening that threw a lovely little spanner in the works today.

Maybe this is the Universe giving me the opportunity to experience failure on something that is easier to handle, to remind me that I can actually live through failure and to show me that I can risk failure in other areas and live too. 'Miss Adventurer' me has been scared of trying risky things lately. I've spent a few years picking up the pieces after I let my life spiral hectically out of control and I had to really bring things back. I've done the work, put in the time, knuckled down and been serious for a few years now and, in doing so, I drained a portion of the joy of life out of it. (This is why I was doing the whole learning to ride a motorbike thing. It was supposed to be about gaining back my sense of adventure after a self-imposed exile while working on ME). Now it's become another exercise in accepting myself as human, loving myself despite a big flaw, picking up and trying again. I am seriously tired of viewing myself as broken and needing working on and that view got me quite depressed and reluctant to do anything that would reinforce the belief of myself not being good enough. So I backed off from 'life' a bit and took the time to work on me (not that I'd change it and it was totally worth doing, but it was also a good excuse to hide behind).

My association with fun tended to go hand in hand with drinking and I've had to learn a whole new way to have fun. This was one of my new fun things so what the hell is going on subconsciously that is sabotaging my fun? Do I believe I don't deserve to have fun or that I haven't earned enough points (carrots)?

Or maybe it's a need to allow myself to let go of the super-positive attitude for a bit, ride the downward wave too, have a good old fashioned cry, release some tension and know that the merry-go-round of life will be there waiting for me when I'm ready to get back on!

I'm not giving up, but I'm quite gutted so I'm going to wallow for just a bit... (actually for as long as it damnwell takes!).

So please don't try to cheer me up just yet. I'd like to wallow for a while. It's far healthier and more honouring to allow myself to feel the disappointment rather than deny or supress it so I'm going to give myself that courtesy. THEN and only then will I get up and try again... When I'm good and freaking ready!