On being thought of as a b!tch

I have generally found that when people call me selfish they're generally trying to intimidate me into doing what THEY want me to do or THEY think I should do. Amazingly when I step back and mull over the situation outside of the emotions of it, I can often find they themselves are actually the being selfish themselves and wanting things THEIR way and are trying to bully me into putting my needs aside. The more I look at interactions, the more manipulative I find them to be. (No high horse I promise, I also include myself in here. I’ve found I do it too - the world is our mirror after all. In fact one of the reasons I am often so hesitant before I do anything nowadays is because I have to really check in where I am coming from and what my intentions are before I act).

Insults and name calling are clearly manipulative as well and clearly intended to pressure a person into acting differently.

But can you tell me just WHO exactly makes the rules of what anyone should and shouldn't do???? (I'm not talking about killing anyone here, I'm talking about the day-to-day life stuff).

If I take a step further and look at the whole person doing the pressuring/insulting, the bullying generally comes from people acting from a wounded space. I've often found that people who view life as unfair and mean tend to justify their unkindness as they feel that the people they are rude to 'deserve it'. It makes some people feel better to bring everyone around them to their miserable level.

I fully admit to one of my weaknesses being that I absolutely dread conflict until I get fed up enough to act. I far prefer to be the peacemaker and the 'smoother of all things aching'. That feels much better/nicer! As with most of us I have been taught not to be thought of as selfish or a bitch. It is something to be avoided at all costs. I tread lightly, martyr myself, just in case. For what???? To make others' lives easier? Why? Why is their ease of passage through life more important than mine? 

I've also found that being a doormat is no good for me either - it leads to resentment and then a rebellious part of myself wells up, throwing its toys and bulldozing the doormat out the way. That is quite a serious pendulum swing, not exactly middle path or balance. So how to resolve it?

I do not think there are always set answers for everything other than the basic 'be love' or 'love, love and then love some more'.

Here are some of my discoveries on what to take into account when looking at a difficult situation:

• First I have to figure out who I am, where I'm coming from and then decide what I would like to accomplish. Clarity helps, even if it means delaying actions. Give yourself the time and space to get clarity before action. People feel your clarity and your self esteem (or lack of it) it makes setting boundaries much easier when you are clear.

• When we act from a space of fear/lack/avoidance we create precisely what we do not want! So figure out what you DO want. Hold that in your head before taking any action.
• Speak from the heart and not just the head.
• Don't blame others for how you are feeling. Know that you are co-creating this situation as well, so try to get the maximum growth from it. Own your sh*t!
• Communication, communication, communication!! (I've learned this one the hard way by avoiding discussing things clearly due to my intense dislike of conflicting situations so I have to take responsibility for my part in not being clear either. I need to find ways to say what is needed kindly and gently without expectation of a fight. But I can't hold back from defining my boundaries just in case it may cause conflict, so now if it creates a fight then so be it! I'll live. I've made it this far! Life is messy. You don't always get it right. 

• I don't think turning the other cheek means being a doormat. They are right when they say people treat you the way you let them, so don't let them anymore. They may kick up a fuss and perform and call me names, but that is a bullying tactic and I have no need to give up my 'territory' (back down) to someone who will abuse my kindness/patience/generosity.

• The more I know who I am the less I find I need external approval and/or everyone to like me to feel good enough. I certainly don't need to compromise myself in order to be liked by everyone. I have enough friends. Really conscious, loving, considerate and aware friends!!!! <3