A week away from turning 40...

It is exactly 7 days until my fortieth birthday and it's not turning out to be quite the celebration I was hoping for!

I was even actually looking forward to the big 4.0 up until 2 weeks ago. I was supposed to be in my new garden flat almost 4 weeks ago. My last neighbours were so awful I had to move out 2 weeks early... So I have been living in a cramped up spare room in the main house while my furniture gets muddied and sawdusted in the new flat. The fact that the people I'm renting from are really lovely, the garden is wonderful and I do have awesome friends are possibly the only things keeping me sane (that and unlimited internet to download movies and escape ;). I'm OCD about tidiness so walking into the flat to get anything is chinese water torture for me).

At first this spare room was a godsend. It still is from the point of view that I can sleep quite without being woken up by drunken morons and noisy students! But now it also feels like a prison. I hardly leave my room and I don't want to talk to anyone. This really wasn't how this time of my life was supposed to be working out. I can easily shrink and make myself small to fit in, but only for short periods. I can put up with stuff for a certain amount of time, but when that time expires (i.e. two weeks ago) I need to break out or I'll explode.

I could list all my frustrations but venting isn't the point of this post. The point is two things:
(apart from the fact that everything that seemed like an answer to prayers can also become frustrating and cramped and it's own prison).

I have been trying to keep myself from a mini-midlife-meltdown by telling myself how lucky I am to have a roof over my head (especially in the rainy season), logically that should keep me placated, but that only works for so long. And actually why do I believe a meltdown is so 'bad'. Maybe I desperately need to honestly LOOK at my life, face it, evaluate what I don't like about it, appreciate what I do and get RID of the stuff I don't. Hiding my head like an ostrich doesn't exactly make the things I don't want to look at shrink or go away... 

I don't want to be small for one day longer! None of us should be. Aren't we supposed to "have life, and have life abundantly"? This comparing myself to anyone less fortunate than me doesn't help. Knowing that some people are happier than I am with less is frustrating and makes me feel more of a 'failure'. It kept shit at bay for a while, but the truth is I am not anyone else. This is MY life! I'm at the very heart of it and that heart is feeling deeply unfulfilled on a level that can no longer be ignored. I know lots of people equate depression with ingratitude and perhaps they are right, it's not that I'm not grateful right now, it's just that the stuff-I'm-unhappy-about appears to outweigh the grateful-for-stuff right now. The stiff upper lip thing is not holding things together at all. I value real far more than I value being nicely presentable to the public in a pretty package!

I've always hated it when people try to cheer me up when I'm sad. Sadness is a part of life and it doesn't need to be swept under the rug or hidden. It's got to be gone through too! Sometimes you just need to wallow a bit, or mourn the life you thought you should have had by now. It takes longer if you put it off anyway and if you bury it it has to get dug out later anyway. So I had a really good cry tonight. A long one!!! I mourned all the mistakes, all the bad choices, all the lost friends, doomed romances, missed opportunities and unfulfilling jobs. Don't get me started about work, after the last two days have sucked so badly I'm going out of my mind.

I feel a bit better for crying and allowing myself a moment of weakness. I'm sick of being strong, cheerful, looking at the bright side. It feels forced and fake. Sure it's my goal to be positive, and I am positive most of the time, but I'm no Yoda or a Zen Master! I'm human. I'm real. I'm allowed to be sad. These guru-type people talk about meeting the moment without judgement or resistance. Nothing else has worked, so I decided to do just that. What have I got to lose if I seem to be attracting chaos into my life anyway? It felt great to let go of the pressure I put on myself to be positive because my thoughts create my future. Wonderful advice, but the pressure that that idea creates is huge and I end up so stressed out trying not to be stressed! WTF LOL

So my two points really are:

• If we're not supposed to compare ourselves to others as to how far we are progressing in life, by that same token we also can't use that same yardstick for trying to cheer ourselves up that we have it better than others. I just am where I am! I know wishing it wasn't so doesn't help, but wishing I was more positive when that's not how I'm really feeling isn't always helpful either.

• Life seems to move in waves, when you're down take the down time. You can't always ignore stuff with positive thoughts. Sadness is real and allowed too. Have a good cry, feel the pain not bury it, let it out. I'm NOT a zen master. I'm human. But I will take their advice and embrace the moment and whatever it brings with it, messy or not, as often as possible!

You just can't force yourself to be something/somewhere that you're not. Not long term anyway!

Sometimes when things need to change, we get pushed and prodded by life to the point where we get uncomfortable enough to DO something about it! If I'm really this unfulfilled in my job I know what I have to do. (It's not like I haven't been looking for something else, it's just that I'm afraid of failing at what I REALLY DO want).

Falling in Love with ALL of Life (...and a few men along the way ;)

I am falling more and more in love with life daily. My heart expands and I don’t want to keep myself small anymore - so this of course brought up the uncomfortable and squeamish topic of romantic love for me.

Recently I was doing an exercise in our meditation class which had me looking directly into the eyes of someone I’ve had a crush on for ages! I have spent ages wishing and hoping that this stupid crush would pass. It hasn’t… In fact it got ‘worse’!!!! :(

This 'crush' (for want of a better word) is very confusing and weird. I don’t understand it because it is not a literal crush (i.e. if he was single and he ‘asked me out’ I’m 99.999% sure I’d say no), so I really don’t get it! I carry this guilt around with me about it and I find it really hard to meet his eyes a lot of the time, so I really had to pull myself together to do this staring exercise. I was standing there looking directly into his eyes and this huge wave of both anger and sadness welled up within me for feeling guilty for just being human. I do not want to be ashamed of who I am. I no longer want to be afraid and embarrassed by what someone may see in me and how they may judge it! I do not want to live in fear and be ashamed of ANY part of myself or feel the need to hide potentially embarrassing pieces of myself behind carefully constructed walls that I then have to waste energy keeping up. If the crush is still there and not going away there must be some kind of message or lesson in it for me. Even if it’s just to not be ashamed of myself - no matter what - and to accept all of myself (quirky inexplicable embarrassing crushes and all)! I have tried to find a logical reason for it and often wondered if he and I have met in many previous lives and so there is a deep caring within me there that feels all too similar to that sexual pull because that’s the only way my mind can interpret it! Is it because he’s male so it’s less acceptable to feel so strongly about someone that isn’t a boyfriend or family? Why is it that I can easily express my deep love of my awesome female friends and not remotely confuse it with wanting to sleep with them or being afraid of them seeing it that way and being afraid of me… There is such a deep desire within each of us to connect back to The One again - yet we are told to be PC, appropriate, careful and respectful of others by society and keep our distance. Then we’re also told that we are all One, we’re connected anyway and there is nothing to fear but fear itself! It can get confusing!

(It helped when I heard Ken Wilber describe once that the way you know who your guru is, is that you fall in love with them! But that didn’t alleviate the crush feelings). He’s a fantastic person though and truthfully I’d be lucky to find someone similar to him.

I have found two more wonderful men that I follow their awesome sharings on Facebook and I feel quite strongly attracted to them too. (Yup causing more squirming within and the need to make myself behave appropriately again). My turn-on and turn-off's are mental anyway. You could look like Brad Pitt, but the way to my heart is to fascinate and intrigue me mentally or else I walk away. Being on the same spiritual path as me would be an important factor in dating anyone anyway and it's nice to see some yummy straight unmarried men in this line of seeking, but it feels like I'd be breaking some doctor/patient boundary.

This line of thought then led me to thinking about a wonderful man I fell deeply and passionately for 6 years ago. He was separated from his wife at the time and our eyes met across the room and it was instantaneous and electric and profound. I had all but given up on love and nearly life itself. That evening I began to believe in magic again! He decided to give his marriage a second chance and I knew I shouldn't try to stop him. Deep down I also knew that my path was taking me back to South Africa, so I let him go. He didn’t return to me and I moved back home... I got back in touch with him again once I was strong enough to see him happy with someone else. His marriage did end and he is now engaged to a beautiful woman and seems so happy and I am truly happy for him. I will always be grateful to him for helping me wake up at the bottom of the pit! I was drinking and smoking myself to death and somehow he made it through the sozzled haze to touch a place in my soul and awaken within me the will to live! That is soul level stuff again! :D

Then there are the other types of love. I also have had my neice and nephew expanding my capacity to love to levels I had forgotten were possible! And I have amazing friendships in my life that are so supportive, encouraging, growing and inspiring I cannot help but love life when I look around me! Why would I want to limit my capacity to love?

Thinking about all these things together made me wonder about how we tell ourselves NOT to love too much or only to love appropriately, but yet love is all there is and there is nothing else and the more love we become the more love we are able to express and that’s freaking fabulous!! Isn’t that one of the purposes of life? I’m certainly not afraid of any of the people I love rejecting me because I don’t need them to love me back in order to just simply LOVE them!!!!!
If I'm going to fall in love with life then I need to be able to love every single bit of it... and how on earth can I love those that hurt me if I don't feel comfortable to fully and simply love the people that inspire me and the people that have supported me???

All I know is that I truly do not want to keep myself small and be afraid to be love or to feel love. Anyway love does not only equal sex!!! (even if that is a really awesome way of expressing love it, is not the only way ;) and I don’t want to limit or restrict my capacity to give or show love to anyone I come across for fear of what is appropriate/PC. 
(I’m not very good at being PC anyway and that I consider to be my best feature!)

Your critics help you define yourself

Every time someone questions who you are and what you believe (if you can look past the hurtful comments or mistrust) you - hopefully - do an internal check and you answer. You get to decide who you are in those moments!

If you go through life unquestioning, unopposed, you don't really get a chance to exercise your YOU muscle. So be grateful for your 'opponents', the doubters for they help you define who you are and EVERY time you state unequivocally to the Universe who you have decided to be you affirm YOU and you get more support for being YOU :)

This is not to say that those awesome people who support you play less of a role, I'm saying that everyone and everything has a purpose and don't throw out the stuff or people that seem bad without thorough examination. Then thank them for their lessons and, if you need to, let them go with blessings and gratitude for there is something awesome to be found in everything in your life!

So the next time someone gives you a hard time, remember that on a soul level we all wish for ALL of our highest!!!

On being thought of as a b!tch

I have generally found that when people call me selfish they're generally trying to intimidate me into doing what THEY want me to do or THEY think I should do. Amazingly when I step back and mull over the situation outside of the emotions of it, I can often find they themselves are actually the being selfish themselves and wanting things THEIR way and are trying to bully me into putting my needs aside. The more I look at interactions, the more manipulative I find them to be. (No high horse I promise, I also include myself in here. I’ve found I do it too - the world is our mirror after all. In fact one of the reasons I am often so hesitant before I do anything nowadays is because I have to really check in where I am coming from and what my intentions are before I act).

Insults and name calling are clearly manipulative as well and clearly intended to pressure a person into acting differently.

But can you tell me just WHO exactly makes the rules of what anyone should and shouldn't do???? (I'm not talking about killing anyone here, I'm talking about the day-to-day life stuff).

If I take a step further and look at the whole person doing the pressuring/insulting, the bullying generally comes from people acting from a wounded space. I've often found that people who view life as unfair and mean tend to justify their unkindness as they feel that the people they are rude to 'deserve it'. It makes some people feel better to bring everyone around them to their miserable level.

I fully admit to one of my weaknesses being that I absolutely dread conflict until I get fed up enough to act. I far prefer to be the peacemaker and the 'smoother of all things aching'. That feels much better/nicer! As with most of us I have been taught not to be thought of as selfish or a bitch. It is something to be avoided at all costs. I tread lightly, martyr myself, just in case. For what???? To make others' lives easier? Why? Why is their ease of passage through life more important than mine? 

I've also found that being a doormat is no good for me either - it leads to resentment and then a rebellious part of myself wells up, throwing its toys and bulldozing the doormat out the way. That is quite a serious pendulum swing, not exactly middle path or balance. So how to resolve it?

I do not think there are always set answers for everything other than the basic 'be love' or 'love, love and then love some more'.

Here are some of my discoveries on what to take into account when looking at a difficult situation:

• First I have to figure out who I am, where I'm coming from and then decide what I would like to accomplish. Clarity helps, even if it means delaying actions. Give yourself the time and space to get clarity before action. People feel your clarity and your self esteem (or lack of it) it makes setting boundaries much easier when you are clear.

• When we act from a space of fear/lack/avoidance we create precisely what we do not want! So figure out what you DO want. Hold that in your head before taking any action.
• Speak from the heart and not just the head.
• Don't blame others for how you are feeling. Know that you are co-creating this situation as well, so try to get the maximum growth from it. Own your sh*t!
• Communication, communication, communication!! (I've learned this one the hard way by avoiding discussing things clearly due to my intense dislike of conflicting situations so I have to take responsibility for my part in not being clear either. I need to find ways to say what is needed kindly and gently without expectation of a fight. But I can't hold back from defining my boundaries just in case it may cause conflict, so now if it creates a fight then so be it! I'll live. I've made it this far! Life is messy. You don't always get it right. 

• I don't think turning the other cheek means being a doormat. They are right when they say people treat you the way you let them, so don't let them anymore. They may kick up a fuss and perform and call me names, but that is a bullying tactic and I have no need to give up my 'territory' (back down) to someone who will abuse my kindness/patience/generosity.

• The more I know who I am the less I find I need external approval and/or everyone to like me to feel good enough. I certainly don't need to compromise myself in order to be liked by everyone. I have enough friends. Really conscious, loving, considerate and aware friends!!!! <3

On having the (metaphorical) rug pulled out from under you and being punched in the stomach on the way down!

[Just a quick background: I shared on Facebook that something had happened that made me feel like "not only had someone pulled the rug out from under me, but that they'd punched me in the stomach on the way down too!"
(While I consciously make my Facebook page a place of positivity and share things I find motivational and handy, I like to keep it real and share the struggle through hard times with the good as well).
When I posted how I felt, another friend commented below that she felt like that every day. I pondered on that one and thought I'd share with her what worked for me in those times. I'd like to share this with you too as I know everybody hurts sometimes]

Dear (Friend),

I'm sorry to hear you feel the way I have felt for the past few days every day. That sucks!

I'd like to share something with you that I find helpful if I may:

I have spent a fair portion of my life being angry with life and even with God. I used to think life was pretty unfair and awful most the time until we were given reprieves, but those reprieves made being thrown back into the mire harder, sometimes I wished it would just stay a level of sh*t so I could bear it, because the down times seemed so much worse when compared to the up times, and I even began to fear the good times because that meant a dive afterwards.

Then I couldn't take that any more because that is NO way to live! All these teachers and gurus talk about abundant lives and I want one too damnit!

So I went searching to find ways it isn't unfair. It's been a long search and I am not there yet, but I can tell you that the biggest thing that has changed for me is my expectation that life should mostly be blissful and never painful.

Now when I am hurt deeply (like I was the other night ) I can breathe into the pain, look for what the situation is showing me and find the blessing and hopefully respond with love rather than anger and go into self defense. Every time something really painful happens I now find it is an opportunity to heal an old wound I had buried and move forward a more whole person. Extremely painful for sure, but worth it even more sure!

I can also see that the person that hurt me was lashing out at the closest/easiest target because she is in a LOT of pain and fear and doesn't know where to put it. That helps me to not only have compassion for her, but it also seriously motivates me further to fix my pain so I don't do that to others unconsciously and - seeing as though nobody gets through life without wounds - perhaps I can help others too with what I've learned!!!

Her words ripped right into me and hurt me very deeply, but they helped me cry over a lot of other things too that were unresolved and release a lot of stored pain. I'm a better person for this experience because I'm determined to use it for my highest good and hopefully help her heal her pain too - that would be an even better result!

We'll see. For me life is now becoming more and more of a choice to dig and damnwell find the lotus growing through the manure. Some days I don't have the strength to keep digging. For those days there's chocolate and good friends or else I can always go spend an hour with my brother's kids who give the best hugs and are SO loving!!!!!

I now view pain as an opportunity to heal (sometimes kicking and screaming for sure LOL), but if I can breathe myself into myself and keep going I can generally unearth the diamond from it.

I think it was Winston Churchill that said you if you halfway through hell, keep going!!! LOL

So I hope you can find your joy, healing and gems in the midst of the muck too!!!

Much love hun <3
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