I was even actually looking forward to the big 4.0 up until 2 weeks ago. I was supposed to be in my new garden flat almost 4 weeks ago. My last neighbours were so awful I had to move out 2 weeks early... So I have been living in a cramped up spare room in the main house while my furniture gets muddied and sawdusted in the new flat. The fact that the people I'm renting from are really lovely, the garden is wonderful and I do have awesome friends are possibly the only things keeping me sane (that and unlimited internet to download movies and escape ;). I'm OCD about tidiness so walking into the flat to get anything is chinese water torture for me).
At first this spare room was a godsend. It still is from the point of view that I can sleep quite without being woken up by drunken morons and noisy students! But now it also feels like a prison. I hardly leave my room and I don't want to talk to anyone. This really wasn't how this time of my life was supposed to be working out. I can easily shrink and make myself small to fit in, but only for short periods. I can put up with stuff for a certain amount of time, but when that time expires (i.e. two weeks ago) I need to break out or I'll explode.
I could list all my frustrations but venting isn't the point of this post. The point is two things:
(apart from the fact that everything that seemed like an answer to prayers can also become frustrating and cramped and it's own prison).
I have been trying to keep myself from a mini-midlife-meltdown by telling myself how lucky I am to have a roof over my head (especially in the rainy season), logically that should keep me placated, but that only works for so long. And actually why do I believe a meltdown is so 'bad'. Maybe I desperately need to honestly LOOK at my life, face it, evaluate what I don't like about it, appreciate what I do and get RID of the stuff I don't. Hiding my head like an ostrich doesn't exactly make the things I don't want to look at shrink or go away...
I don't want to be small for one day longer! None of us should be. Aren't we supposed to "have life, and have life abundantly"? This comparing myself to anyone less fortunate than me doesn't help. Knowing that some people are happier than I am with less is frustrating and makes me feel more of a 'failure'. It kept shit at bay for a while, but the truth is I am not anyone else. This is MY life! I'm at the very heart of it and that heart is feeling deeply unfulfilled on a level that can no longer be ignored. I know lots of people equate depression with ingratitude and perhaps they are right, it's not that I'm not grateful right now, it's just that the stuff-I'm-unhappy-about appears to outweigh the grateful-for-stuff right now. The stiff upper lip thing is not holding things together at all. I value real far more than I value being nicely presentable to the public in a pretty package!
I've always hated it when people try to cheer me up when I'm sad. Sadness is a part of life and it doesn't need to be swept under the rug or hidden. It's got to be gone through too! Sometimes you just need to wallow a bit, or mourn the life you thought you should have had by now. It takes longer if you put it off anyway and if you bury it it has to get dug out later anyway. So I had a really good cry tonight. A long one!!! I mourned all the mistakes, all the bad choices, all the lost friends, doomed romances, missed opportunities and unfulfilling jobs. Don't get me started about work, after the last two days have sucked so badly I'm going out of my mind.
I feel a bit better for crying and allowing myself a moment of weakness. I'm sick of being strong, cheerful, looking at the bright side. It feels forced and fake. Sure it's my goal to be positive, and I am positive most of the time, but I'm no Yoda or a Zen Master! I'm human. I'm real. I'm allowed to be sad. These guru-type people talk about meeting the moment without judgement or resistance. Nothing else has worked, so I decided to do just that. What have I got to lose if I seem to be attracting chaos into my life anyway? It felt great to let go of the pressure I put on myself to be positive because my thoughts create my future. Wonderful advice, but the pressure that that idea creates is huge and I end up so stressed out trying not to be stressed! WTF LOL
So my two points really are:
- If we're not supposed to compare ourselves to others as to how far we are progressing in life, by that same token we also can't use that same yardstick for trying to cheer ourselves up that we have it better than others. I just am where I am! I know wishing it wasn't so doesn't help, but wishing I was more positive when that's not how I'm really feeling isn't always helpful either.
- Life seems to move in waves, when you're down take the down time. You can't always ignore stuff with positive thoughts. Sadness is real and allowed too. Have a good cry, feel the pain not bury it, let it out. I'm NOT a zen master. I'm human. But I will take their advice and embrace the moment and whatever it brings with it, messy or not, as often as possible!
You just can't force yourself to be something/somewhere that you're not. Not long term anyway!
Sometimes when things need to change, we get pushed and prodded by life to the point where we get uncomfortable enough to DO something about it! If I'm really this unfulfilled in my job I know what I have to do. (It's not like I haven't been looking for something else, it's just that I'm afraid of failing at what I REALLY DO want).
