Being Right

The more spiritual work I do the less I find I need to be 'right', agreed with and approved of. Of course I want to do the 'right' thing and I hope I'm on the 'right' path, but the need for others around me to support my choices and agree with me diminishes as my inner knowing grows. Gently.

When I started walking a new spiritual path I was ridiculed and humiliated pretty loudly! It was unbelievably painful not to be supported or accepted for who I was and what I believed in. And it was so hard not to yell out or lash back at people for being so ignorant and disrespectful of my divine right to choose the path I felt was best for me, whether or not they agreed with it or understood it.

What helps me bite my tongue though is the knowledge that it would probably be rich coming from me... I used to have an incessant need to be right (still do - I just understand it better now). For the most part, I am a generous person, open minded, compassionate, kind and accepting and I can generally agree to disagree respectfully. Just don't tell me flat out that I'm wrong. That would get my back right up!!

I know where a lot of it comes from. The way most of us we were brought up was with shaming and guilt trips. (There's a reason they say you have things drummed into you ;) I watch kids being kids - they act out when they are tired, testing boundaries etc etc etc. It's totally normal, but more often than not it's all lumped in to one 'bad' box and labelled naughty. Our parents did it, our teachers did it, their parents did it, their teachers did it - ad nauseum. There was positive and negative reinforcement and the intention was to guide and mold us. It was supposedly "being cruel to be kind". Being naughty or wrong was met with disapproval, criticism, anger or punishment. It meant pain, embarrassment, shame and/or rejection! Ouch! (All the nasty stuff) :( Never mind the wrath of God: if you sinned and got that stuff wrong then you were going to hell. So to be wrong was to be avoided at all costs! Being right meant you were 'safe'.

However, in practice life doesn't seem to work that way. No matter how hard you try things still go wrong out of 'nowhere'. Having to be constantly right (or know it all) is like the full cup that has no room for more, so I've found that the practice of making room to potentially find myself in the wrong is crucial to my spiritual development. The process of building new belief systems includes facing the fact that lots of the old beliefs were 'wrong' (maybe 'outdated' is a little easier to handle sometimes). The hardest part of this journey is to allow the 'old me' to have been wrong... harder still is to allow the 'new me' to do things that may end up being wrong - and possibly even fail - is traumatisingly scary. And devastating when that failure occurs. It's not like I've never failed before, and I know without a doubt that I can pick up the pieces, it's just hard to live life without all my cushions.

So to all those who were only trying to help, share or advise and I was prickly back to them I apologise for when I acted unkindly out of pain and fear... To those I may unconsciously do that to again - I promise to do my best!!! Thank you for your patience and support. I am where I am because of your compassion and support despite my best efforts to block your goodness from melting my guarded heart.

To anyone who is the recipient of another person's prickliness: my gran gave my mother the best advice ever when I was a teenager... "Just LOVE her!!!". So many people walk around feeling not good enough after being given the 'cruel-to-be-kind' treatment (myself included). It hurts to be constantly criticised, teased (kids are mean and a part of me is still recovering from boarding school), or shamed into submission.

I will always remember how I quit smoking. It didn't matter who said what about how unhealthy it was (I think I had a bit of a self destructive streak anyway, so that wasn't convincing enough) The nasty pictures on the boxes certainly didn't stop me from buying cigarettes in Canada. It was only when I was ready to do it for myself that I did it, and the people that I turned to were not the ones that were most vocally critical of my bad habit, but rather those who loved me for me anyway and believed I could do it, didn't push, but let me know they were there for me whenever I was ready! I truly hope I can be the same for others!!!

Oddly enough those around me's resistance to my 'weird' path diminishes as my self confidence and self honouring grows. Funny thing that...

The Bittersweet Taste of Failure

So I failed my motorbike license again. 2nd time unlucky. The worst part is that this time there was really no reason to fail. I can do this! It was just sheer nerves! I flubbed the first exercise of the test and went over the line right at the beginning. I really didn't see that one coming!!! I thought I had it under the belt this time and that this time around I did actually believe I deserved it. On the surface I think that is true, but clearly subconsciously something is happening that threw a lovely little spanner in the works today.

Maybe this is the Universe giving me the opportunity to experience failure on something that is easier to handle, to remind me that I can actually live through failure and to show me that I can risk failure in other areas and live too. 'Miss Adventurer' me has been scared of trying risky things lately. I've spent a few years picking up the pieces after I let my life spiral hectically out of control and I had to really bring things back. I've done the work, put in the time, knuckled down and been serious for a few years now and, in doing so, I drained a portion of the joy of life out of it. (This is why I was doing the whole learning to ride a motorbike thing. It was supposed to be about gaining back my sense of adventure after a self-imposed exile while working on ME). Now it's become another exercise in accepting myself as human, loving myself despite a big flaw, picking up and trying again. I am seriously tired of viewing myself as broken and needing working on and that view got me quite depressed and reluctant to do anything that would reinforce the belief of myself not being good enough. So I backed off from 'life' a bit and took the time to work on me (not that I'd change it and it was totally worth doing, but it was also a good excuse to hide behind).

My association with fun tended to go hand in hand with drinking and I've had to learn a whole new way to have fun. This was one of my new fun things so what the hell is going on subconsciously that is sabotaging my fun? Do I believe I don't deserve to have fun or that I haven't earned enough points (carrots)?

Or maybe it's a need to allow myself to let go of the super-positive attitude for a bit, ride the downward wave too, have a good old fashioned cry, release some tension and know that the merry-go-round of life will be there waiting for me when I'm ready to get back on!

I'm not giving up, but I'm quite gutted so I'm going to wallow for just a bit... (actually for as long as it damnwell takes!).

So please don't try to cheer me up just yet. I'd like to wallow for a while. It's far healthier and more honouring to allow myself to feel the disappointment rather than deny or supress it so I'm going to give myself that courtesy. THEN and only then will I get up and try again... When I'm good and freaking ready!

What I've learned from my critics

(and it isn't to ignore them... not without consideration anyway, tempting as it is ;)

Of course you need to trust yourself to know what is best for you ultimately, but it's also good to get the perspective of others - whether I want to hear it or not. Use it, don't use it, but I try to listen. I do that because we all have our blind spots and if something presses a button within me it means there's something there for me to look at.

It is pretty painful when a detractor jumps upon my weaknesses/failings (even if it's just that they perceive me that way through their filters). Especially when they are 'family' and I can't avoid one particularly vocal critic if I want to be around the rest of my family and share special occasions!

The irony is that it comes from a space of wanting the best for me. It's been almost surreal watching people that care for me be so critical of what I think is a forward move for me, a risky one sure, but I definitely believe it's progress. They are afraid for me and think the path would be too hard and they are trying to block my way as they are trying to save me from pain (yes they can't see the irony, they think the pain they are saving me from would be greater than the pain of not being supported by loved ones). The way they've learned to keep people in line is the way they've been kept in line: criticism, chiding, shaming and punishment. Our parents did it to us and it was done to them.

A part of me knows that they do that with the best of intentions, I can feel the love in the action, that they genuinely believe they know what is best for me, so they try to cajole me into doing things the way THEY think I should... (It's like they are being cruel to be kind). I DO get it! Totally actually! I think I know that one so well because I've done it myself in the past - both to myself and to others!

The thing is you need to BE the change you want to see, so if you want people to accept you for who you are - warts and all - you have to offer them the same courtesy! That is a seriously tough one!
When I quit drinking you'd have thought that people would be happy for me to be turning my life around. Quite the opposite actually. They suddenly thought I was going to go judgemental on them, look down my nose at them or bible bash them with my teetotal 'bible'. That wasn't the plan, but truthfully I maybe I could have done that. The fact is I'm so happy being free of my nicotine and alcohol addictions I am not afraid to share that with others, but those who want to stay where they are don't want me to succeed or it proves they can too and THAT makes them really uncomfortable. It can seem like me being on my high horse thinking I'm now better than them because I've thrown away a crutch and I may look at their social habits as bad for them. Truth is I want what's best for them too for sure, but I learned this through the years it took me to quit smoking. NOBODY can tell you when it's time for you to stop smoking. You've got to do it for youself and it's only when you are ready. (I'm sure there are others who used a partner or child as incentive, but it has to be added to boost their will to do it for themself).

Sometimes their criticism comes from their own wounds and it's their issue and it's my test to how much I have healed and now believe in myself whether I let their opinions get to me or not.

Generally I find they are my mirror. The more comfortable I become with myself the more comfortable my critics become with who I am being. If my world outside of me reflects who I am inside then I can hear my critics and look for where I do that to myself - I always find it. They are my clues to where I need healing. I thank them. Sometimes I need to stay away from them coz I'm not ready to hear it but when I am I remember to be objective and that everybody hs their own stuff and that is where THEY are coming from, but if I listen to everything that the Universe sends me their is something in EVERYTHING. Even criticism. Even if it's just to show me where I haven't yet healed.

If I wasn't still on a journey I wouldn't be in a human body anymore ;)

The Cat's Pyjamas

They say that “If there is enough blue in the sky to make a cat a pair of pajamas it won’t rain’’. I remember hearing the folktale as a child and while I thought it was sweet, I thought nothing more of it than it being a tale. NOW I can see how deep and magnificent an allegory it is... I'll explain:

(FYI If you don't know the story go to this page and search for Cat's Trousers: http://www.gutenberg.ca/ebooks/fyleman-forty/fyleman-forty-00-t.txt It's not far down the page)

I've been thinking a lot about the Law of Attraction since I first saw "The Secret" but I've found that pure willpower simply isn't enough to get through 'bad' times, over 'bad' moods or remove 'bad' habits (These things are only deemed 'bad' if you view them as hinderances to progress). But how the hell are you supposed to "Keep Calm and Carry On" when everything around you looks like it's falling to pieces? When I started my seeker's journey I was practically at the end of my tether. I was utterly miserable, lonely, fat and unhealthy... and on a slow self-destruct mission: slowly drinking & smoking myself into an early grave. Partying it up every night to cover my desperation and disappointment with life and who I was turning out to be. For me I had to hit that brick wall at full speed (or a lamppost in my case ;) and shock myself into choosing to turn my life around and actively seek happiness. It's been a long journey, but a totally worthwhile one! Oh and I'm still on it by the way LOL.

I definitely don't believe we have to be 'up' and 'perky' all the time - in fact that ideal makes more of us miserable if we compare how we generally feel to the grinning picture of positivity we're being told we should* be aiming to be feeling most of the time (*'should' being the operative word here - 'could' would be more fair but should just puts unnecessary pressure on us). Although I totally believe it IS entirely possible to be mostly positive, I just don't believe that grinning positivity 100% is the goal to aim for. Now this idea of having a stiff upper lip is just pure nonsense. Worst belief system ever! Yuk! (FYI that doesn't mean I think we're meant to be miserable either, I just feel that Life is ebb and flow and you can be positive about the future and still have a great releasing cry at the same time). Nowadays I just find bad moods are less about me being depressed and more about me needing to become aware that there's a belief system or a wound I need to look at...

Basically we're spiritual beings having a human experience. We come to this world specifically to experience and work with polarity. A bicycle pedal needs the downward push as well as the upward return in order to propel the bicycle forward. Neither movement is 'better' than the other and one can't exist without the other. I definitely believe it's possible to be positive and have faith despite outward appearances and the way we do this is not by burying our heads and waiting for the storm to pass. It's by finding enough positivity between the clouds to bring back the blue sky :) and that is the constant process.

Besides, with no rain comes drought, so on the days when there isn't enough blue sky to make a cat a pair of pyjamas there's always hot chocolate, duvets and dvd's. Phone a friend, read a book, let go and do those things you feel you don't have time for when the sun's out. Plus there's nothing wrong with a good cry either and a little indulgence once in a while - it clears the cobwebs out ;)

It's all part of the journey. Life is a process. We don't just get summer all year round. We're not supposed to, but there is beauty to be found in each season. 

Olympians aren't made overnight. It takes years of dedication, love, bruises, fun and teamwork to get there. Positivity is a muscle that requires constant training until it gets 'muscle memory' 

;)